


For the lost one

by bluevalentin3



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF, Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Numbness, Pain, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-20 10:55:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16554449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluevalentin3/pseuds/bluevalentin3
Summary: Timmy is bad into drugs and armie takes him into his home, they end up falling in love within healing





	1. Sadderdaze

**Author's Note:**

> Sadderdaze by the neighbourhood 
> 
> Trigger warning: depression and drug use

Timmy’s p.o.v

I drag myself out of another random older mans bed, I sigh and throw my clothes on as quickly as possible, trying not to wake him up, I never wanted another interaction or even look from him again. I only did it for the money. Money for drugs. The high was to good to give up. It numbed the pain of things that I’ve been through. Most nights I end up passed out really anywhere, I’m at the smallest weight I’ve ever been and don’t even like to eat. Food is disgusting.

My career hasn’t really been on a good note lately, I keep calling off jobs and not showing up because of being high. I don’t wanna show up slurring my words and stumbling around. I’d rather be considerate and do that at home. 

It’s not like I intended to get addicted or wanted to live this druggie lifestyle, but.... one night while I was at a party with Abel at Coachella things got outta hand with drinking and next thing you know I’m sniffing coke. I regret that day every single fucking day of my life. I shouldn’t even have been drinking that much but I was trying to make everything go away, I was trying to make myself forget about armie and that he has a family and wife and kids and doesn’t love me the way I love him, unrequited love is a bitch and it hurts bad. I don’t blame this whole thing on armie though, it was me who did it and I take responsibility for it. I was being reckless and overly emotional. I just want him to love me so bad, I want what elio and Oliver have but forever. I wanna wake up to him everyday, I want him to be my date to award shows, I want to watch indie movies with him and cry and be able to cuddle him. I don’t wanna feel cold anymore, I don’t want my heart to be in a freezer forever. I needed something to make me feel neither warm or cold so that was drinking which led to the drugs. Just that one night led to everything tumbling down and down and down. 

Hell, I haven’t even called my own parents or sister in months. No matter how many missed calls or texts light up my phone at 3am I don’t answer. I’m ashamed. I don’t want them to be worried or suspect anything. I’m supposed to be this good role model and this comfort to people and I failed them, I failed the beautiful people that support me and I’m sorry to them. 

 

After I leave I buy my drugs from a local dealer and head to my apartment, as soon as I do I let out a breathe as soon as I close the door. 

I pull out the heroine and and cocaine and head to the bathroom. I turn the lights on and sit on the cold floor. I grab the elastic band that sits on my counter and tighten it around my small arm, then I grab the needle next to me that was laying in the floor and shoot it into my arm. I hiss in pain, I hate doing this but I can’t stop. For the next few minutes I just lay down on the floor and cry, who would want this mess, who could love me, I’m not even worth anything good anyone says about me, I don’t deserve the interviews or the awards, I don’t even deserve armies presence in my life. He’s an incredible person and doesn’t need this kind of burden in his life, that’s why we haven’t talked in 3 months. I stopped answering him to, he still calls. Sometimes I feel in my soul that I need to answer but I push that feeling down and continue on. 

Everything in the room starts spinning and I try to sit up but immediately fall down. It hit. Goodnight.


	2. Why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to Stop and stare by onerepublic for this chapter

Timmy’s p.o.v

 

Fuck I cannot do this anymore. I can’t stop shaking and puking, I can barley breathe, I’m still on the bathroom floor. It’s morning. I feel so nauseous and clammy. 

Some time goes by and I manage to get out of the bathroom and into my bed, I wish the comforter was Armie, what I would give to have him wrapped around me. What I would give for him to hold me and love me. I guess I’ll have to keep on fucking dreaming. I guess I’ll keep on having to fucking see their perfect family on Instagram, there perfect kids and perfect life, not having to worry about a thing.

I can’t keep talking to you about this right now I’m getting to worked up. Looks like it’s time to get high again.

I sleep for a few hours and then head outside with a hat and sunglasses on, even though it’s night time I still wanna be sure no one sees me. My dealer is only a block away so it won’t take long, I constantly look behind my shoulder to make sure no one is staring at me or following me. 

I make it there, the guy has an apartment but we always meet up in a specific alley, this one tonight though doesn’t give me a good feeling. I almost immediately get nauseous but go on anyway. There’s a group of people here who also look like their buying from the guy, I get closer and I see their faces clearly, it’s a couple of guys and they look their ready to beat someone’s ass. They make me feel intimidated for some reason, I try to make this as quick as possible so I go up to get my drugs and I don’t know why but he’s taking a long time to get them out of his bag, I stand there and start to shake with nervousness 

“Hey any chance you could hurry up” I ask him  
“Yea yea give me a minute kid I’m trying to find it” 

He knows what I usually get so again I don’t know what’s taking so long, I feel someone right behind me and turn around, one of the guys is staring right at me with a disgusted look, Before I’m even able to say anything to him, I get my drugs from the guy finally and try to leave, they surround me though

“Hey kid you look like a fucking fag, give us the drugs and money and you’ll leave here just fine” one of the guys says laughing 

“Fuck off” I say starting to cry, I try to push past them and run but they catch me and pin me down, they start hurting me and after a few minutes everything goes numb and there’s a ringing in my ears, I’m still conscious but barley hanging on. 

“Shit it’s the cops we gotta go” one of them says  
Before they go one of them grabs my curls hard and whisper in my ear  
“Your lucky we didn’t take you home”  
I start to shake horribly but instantly remember I heard police sirens not even a minute ago, it feels like forever till they get there. Minutes keep passing and I realize, it was for someone else not me. Fuck I’m bleeding so much, I don’t wanna die, not today, to die was never my Intention but it seems like I’m already unintentionally killing my self with the things I do. 

I’m thankful they ran off but I don’t think I can stay awake, not from all the blood running out of my nose and head, they punched my pretty good, my whole body aches, most likely bruised. I start to hyperventilate and I can’t catch my breathe. Please help anyone. 

After that last thought, I pass out and see blackness. 

—————————

I wake up to a doctor in the room with a nurse and hear them saying something about me, I look around and see that I’m in a hospital bed with an iv hooked up to me, I touch my nose and see that the blood has been cleaned up, then I touch my head and it’s incredibly sore, the blood was cleaned up form there to, I wonder who even found me, who was even caring enough to make sure I was okay, I don’t know but I thank you. 

“Oh good your awake how are you feeling” the doctor asks  
“I’m ok, who brought me here”  
“Umm someone by the name of armie hammer, said he found you laying unconscious in an alley he was walking past, also said he was one of your close friends”  
My breath hitches and I want to scream, cry, and jump for joy at the same time but I calmly answer back  
“Do you know if he’s still here or just dropped me off”  
“Actually he’s in the waiting room, he said he wanted to make sure you were ok”  
“Thank you doctor, could you send him in please” I say weakly  
“Of course, be right back” he says  
About a minute later, I see him, right there standing in the doorway, blonde hair, blue ocean eyes, tall and built.  
“Hi Timmy”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn’t stop myself from updating again, thank you for all the wonderful comments on the last chapter I love and appreciate each one of them, writing this is breaking my heart so bad cause it’s timothée, love my baby so much 
> 
>  
> 
> Feedback is greatly appreciated:)


	3. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listenin to “a normal family” by jóhann jóhannsson for the chapter

What was he even doing in New York, why was he here, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that he just found me in an alley like that, something like that was never supposed to happen and what a fucking coincidence right he just so happen to be walking down the road the alley was at. 

Questions keep seeping through my mind but he’s here and I have to face it. 

“Hi armie” I say quietly  
He pulls up a chair and sits next to my bed  
“Timmy what the fuck were you doing”  
I don’t want to tell him, should I?, should I tell him that I’ve been drowning myself in drugs and alcohol and that I just went to go get some shit from my dealer and ended up in the hospital, ended up in front of him. Should I tell him about the countless nights I cried for him, how many times I puked, the kinds of drugs I took.  
“I was just walking trying to get home and this group of guys wanted my wallet and I wouldn’t give it to them so I ended up here” I blurt out really fast  
“Your lying Tim”  
“What”  
“Your lying I can see it all over your face, plush you scrunch your nose when your lying”  
I burst out into tears and start confessing everything, there was no more hiding from him, no more hiding from the truth that I was in face a drug addict.  
“I-I went to go get drugs that’s what I’ve been doing instead of answering your calls, I’ve took meth coke heroin all of it, I can’t stop, the p-pains to much, I got really drunk at a party one night with Abel and ended up snorting coke, and e-everything went downhill from there, you found me in an alley because I was going to my dealer to pick up some drugs for the night and these guys were there and they wanted my drugs and wallet and I wouldn’t give it to them and they beat me up very bad and you found me”  
I struggle to breath, and I start hiccuping, as I continue to cry I feel a dip in the hospital bed armie sits on the edge and pulls me into him, he holds me and runs his fingers through my curls, warmth spreads through my body once again, I want this feeling to stay, this feeling is better than the high.  
“Look at me Timmy”  
He gently lifts my chin with his finger  
“Your gonna come home with me and I’m going to help you we will heal together there’s no way your staying here on your own, I’m not mad at you, I’m incredibly glad your ok, I just don’t want you to kill your self, I never want you to be in this kind of pain again, you deserve the good things in this world, I cannot lose you” he says tearing up  
I nod my head quickly and hug him tight, I whisper in his ear  
“thank you”  
They let me go home after a few hours of checking my blood work and checking my bruises to make sure I was ok  
A little before we leave though armie asks if he can stay at my apartment for the night to make sure I was ok and to book tickets for us for the next morning of course i said yes.  
The drive home is quiet but comfortable, I lead him up to the apartment, unlock it, then we head in. He sits down and brings out his laptop to books tickets I assume and then out of the blue while I’m sitting next to him, the urge hits, my palms start to sweat, and I start to shake again but not enough for armie to notice, I have to at least take a small hit.  
“Hey arm I’m gonna go get some more comfortable clothes on I’ll be right back”  
“Ok” he smiles  
I only said that as an excuse, I can’t believe I just lied to his face. I’m fucked. My mind is fucked. My body is fucked. Everything is.  
I go into my room and close the door, I remembered that I had a spare stash in my dresser. I pull out some cocaine and line it up on a piece of paper I had on my night stand, then I sniff up. Too good.  
But minutes later while I’m enjoying the high. My heart starts to race super fast and I feel like I’m burning up. I start to twitch super bad. Fuck this cannot be an overdose right now, I didn’t sniff that much.  
I didn’t realize how long I was in my room till armie knocked and said  
“Hey tim you alright”  
“Y-ye” I cannot barley even get a sentence out  
“I’m coming in” he says  
Before I can even saying anything he stands there looking at me on the floor with tears in his eyes.  
“H-help me” i say  
He immediately goes into the bathroom and I hear the bath start running  
“Come on Tim, lets get ya in here”  
He scoops me up and shushes me, I cry against his shoulder as he rubs my back soothingly  
He looks at me and I know it’s a consent look, I nod as best as I can and let him take my clothes off, he gently sets me in the bath and takes a warm washcloth and gently rubs my face and curls  
“Your ok your ok” he says  
Something seemed to have happened or switched because I’m not as high as I was just a few minutes ago.  
He washed me and my hair and wraps me in a towel, I cling onto him while he carries me to the bed, my eyes immediately start to droop but I notice he try’s to go back out to the living room  
“Please stay I don’t wanna sleep alone”  
“Ok T” he says  
He gets under the covers behind me and pulls me close to him, my back to his chest, my smooth cheek to his rough one from the stubble.  
He’s warm and soft  
I hear his breathing and it calms me instantly  
Sleep grabs ahold of me and takes me with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was listening to a lot of piano music and movie soundtracks with a lot of emotion, particularly the song I said to listen to for this chapter and this happened, hope you enjoy :) 
> 
> Feedback is greatly appreciated


	4. I’m sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to I’ll be okay by GIN$ENG for this chapter

Timmy’s p.o.v 

“Hey tim we got a flight in 2 hours” he says gently waking me up  
“LA?” I say  
“LA” he confirms  
I snuggle more into not wanting to get up  
“Come on T” he says laughing  
I eventually get up and he helps me pack and doubles checks my bag to make sure I don’t have any drugs or anything in it.  
I have such an urge just to stuff some of my stash in my pocket but end up not doing so because I want to get better. I want to feel and see things in color again, I want to act again, I want to make people smile again.  
I know that this will all be worth it.  
I know the process will not be easy but the outcome will change my life and save me. 

 

The two hours past quickly and before I know it were taking off to LA, Armie keeps checking on me to make sure I’m ok and I let him know I’m fine. the plane ride goes smooth and Armie rents a Uber to take us to his house, it takes the person about 10 minutes to get there and we get in and start driving.

We eventually reach his house and we walk up to the door, he unlocks it with his keys and we go inside. We walk to the kitchen and there she is. Fuck. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this part. Of course she’s here it’s her home and I’m intruding, I feel embarrassed. my fantasy went on to long. fuck, I shouldn’t have come here.  
“Hey husba- oh hi Timmy” she smiles tightly  
“hi” I say quietly  
“Hey tim why don’t you go put your stuff in the guest room it’s up stairs first door on the right” he pats my back and I hesitantly go up there but before I can reach the door I hear them arguing, I know I shouldn’t be doing this but I put my ear to the corner and listen.  
“Armie care to fucking explain”  
“Liz just listen, he needed help bad”  
“With what” she says harshly  
“H-he was bad into drugs, I found him in an alley beat up very severely, I couldn’t just leave him alone, he needs someone, he would slip back into everything if I hadn’t have taken him here”  
“Wow that’s awful” she gasps  
“I know”  
“But you still could have given me the fucking heads up, do you understand that someone who has been on drugs and is addicted to them will be around our children, do you know how toxic that is and unsafe”  
Armie scoffs  
“Well he’s fucking here Elizabeth and Im going to do everything in my heart to help him, the kids will be fine”  
“Your unbelievable, your so fucking lucky there at there friends house, in fact I’m going to go pick them up right now, I can’t be around you right now”  
A few minutes later I hear the door slam and tears slide my face.  
I walk shakily into the room and close it quietly, I sit on the bed just looking out the window, while continuing to cry. Now I just wanna be back in my apartment, alone and high.  
A few minutes later, I hear him knocking on the door  
“Hey tim can I come in”  
“Yea” I say in Almost a whisper  
My back is faced towards him, I don’t want him to see my pathetic tears.  
“I heard” I blurt out  
He quiet for a minute  
He comes around the bed and sits next to me  
“Tim look at me” he says  
I hesitate to look at him but do it anyway  
“What” I say  
“Don’t listen to her, you hear me, this is my home to and I welcome you into it, I’m going to help you and your going to help yourself and you will get better, I will make sure”  
Tears roll down my cheeks again  
I hug him and put my arms around his neck, his arms wrap around my middle. We hug in comfortable silence, the silence tells us all we need to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so stupid I forgot to say why Armie was in New York so I’ll just put it here, he was there because he was visiting some friends, sorry again 
> 
>  
> 
> This is the chapter that starts the healing and I can’t wait to see Timmy get better, but be warned it’s not going to be easy
> 
>  
> 
> Feedback is appreciated ❤️


	5. The hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to the “when the party’s over” by billie eilish for this chapter

Timmy’s p.o.v 

The first 3 days of being there were okay, until one night at dinner. God should I even tell you this? Fuck it I will 

 

I had been in my room sleeping until Elizabeth called me down for dinner, I walk down the stairs and see everyone already sat down, Liz, the kids, Armie.

“Hey” I say with a smile  
“Hey timmy” she smiles  
She doesn’t know I heard I’ll just go along with it.  
“Hey t” Armie smiles  
“Timmy!” Harper squeaks happily  
And ford just babbles  
I sit down uncomfortably that’s all I’ve felt since I’ve been here is uncomfortable. They start to eat and I just pick at my food. Food still disgusts me lately.  
“Ya gonna eat Timmy”  
“Not really hungry”  
“Come on tim you have to eat you haven’t ate since I’ve been with you”  
“No I’m good”  
“Just eat now”  
“I said no!”  
My hand slammed down on the table and I didn’t even realize it till I look up at everyone and they looked shocked. Ford started crying. Fuck.  
“Timothee!” Armie yells but I get up and try to walk outside just to be anywhere but in that room. In that situation. Looking at all those fearful eyes.  
As I step outside the door a hand grab my wrist and yanks me back, it’s Armie.  
“What the fuck do you want”  
He pulls me into him and I keep pushing his chest to get him off of me, I feel like I can’t breathe.  
He wrestles me to the ground and I start sobbing. Why can’t I stop crying.  
“Liz take the kids to play out back” Armie says out of breath  
“Ok” she says  
She scrambled with the kids and takes them outside  
“Fuck you” I scream  
He doesn’t say anything he just rubs my back and tries to not escalate the incident.  
After a few minutes I calm down.  
We’re still on the floor and he’s still holding me. Still by my side.  
“I’m sorry” I sniffle  
“It’s ok tim, not your fault, your having withdrawals”  
He calls Liz and the kids back in and I apologize to them individually, well kinda to ford since he’s super small.  
“Tim how does a walk sound”  
“Good”  
“Ok”  
Liz we’ll be right back  
“Ok” she says in frustration, I get why.  
I see him grab a bottle of champagne and wine and 2 glasses  
We walk out the door  
“Where are we going”  
“The suns setting so I thought it would be nice to watch it and and sit somewhere so we’ll just walk and find somewhere random”  
“Ok” I say  
We start walking and eventually find some grass that overlooks LA so we can see everything perfectly, the sky is a nice mix of orange and pink. It reminds me of Armie. Beautiful and soft and peaceful, able to make you forget about your problems for 5 minutes.  
We sit down pretty close to each other  
He pour s a glass of wine and hands it to me  
“Here”  
“Oh umm thanks” I say  
“What’s on your mind T”  
“not much”  
“Oh come on” he laughs “you gotta”  
“I’m just overwhelmed I mean last week I was slurring my words stumbling around from drugs and now I’m trying to get clean here with you in LA, it’s crazy”  
“Good crazy I hope” he jokes  
“Yea a good crazy, I just wanna thank you for taking me in and having the heart to help me”  
Of course, your very close to my heart, I couldn’t leave you to suffer”  
We keep talking but as every sentence is spoke the more and more we become tipsy from the wine and champagne, im really feeling buzzed, the Sunset is well over, it’s night, the stars are out. We mostly just shit talk until  
“Do you miss Crema” he blurts out  
“Fuck yes” I say  
“What do you miss about it”  
“I miss the way you cared about me”  
“Timothèe”  
“I miss the way it was just us, I miss our scenes, when I could pretend you were really mine for a moment, I miss the little bubble we were in, I wish you would hold me again like you did in Crema when I wanted to be held Cause I was lonely” after I finish I’m out of breathe and about to cry  
“Your just drunk and tired, I have a wife and kids” he says looking out at the city, just brushes it off a simply as that. 

Nothing hurts more than knowing that if the world were ending in five minutes, I would call you to tell you I love you, but the line would be busy because you’d be on the phone with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried a fucking lot writing this chapter, especially the end :(
> 
>  
> 
> Feedback is appreciated ❤️


	6. home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to “white Ferrari” by frank ocean for this chapter

Timmy’s p.o.v

I don't really remember going back to the house but apparently we did and I'm on the couch I look over to my phone and it's 11 am shit I slept long. I get up and I find Armie in the backyard just sitting with some coffee. I head out there and sit next to him. 

"I'm sorry tim"  
"What"  
"I'm sorry about what I said last night it sounded so assholeish"  
"It's fine I deserved it for saying what I said and saying to much"  
"No you didn't I know you had good intentions and I was overwhelmed and drunk" he says   
"Thanks" I say  
We hug and warmth fills my body  
"How does the beach sound" he says  
"Good I love the beach"  
"Let's go get ready and we can head out, Liz took the kids to run some errands and I think we both know that means all day"  
We laugh together and it feels so good  
We get ready and grab everything we need, as soon as we get into the car I already have kid cudi playing  
"Of course tim" he laughs at me sincerely  
I just play punch him and smile out the window  
The breeze from the outside feels good hitting my face, it feels fresh.  
It doesn't take us long to get there, we get our things and pick a spot on the beach, it's not packed which I'm thankful for.  
We both take our shirts off and are only left in our swimming trunks, as I’m putting my shirt by the towels I feel arms wrap around me, oh god.  
"No come on Armie"  
"Oh I think soooo"  
I just continue to laugh and try to wiggle out of his arms.  
I knew I had failed when I felt the rush of cold water hit my body, he threw my in the water, that fucker. He swims towards me and laughs  
"Got ya"  
"Hahaha very funny"  
I poke his chest and he smiles  
He kneels in front of me in the water  
"Hop on" he says  
"I'm to heavy Armie"  
"Your a stick tim come on" he laughs  
I jump on his back and wrap my legs around his middle, he calmly walks through the water with me and I just rest my cheek on his back, taking in his scent and the smoothness of his skin.  
We continue playing and swimming for a about an hour then we head back to our place and just sit, admiring the water, sitting side by side.  
"I had fun with ya T"  
"Had fun with you to arm"  
He takes a breath  
"No one else I'd rather be with right now honestly, your such a breathe of fresh air" he says looking out at the water  
I reach my hand over to his and set it on top almost intertwining our fingers  
He looks over at me and puts his hand on my cheek softly rubbing it with his thumb  
"Thank you for being you" he says  
Our faces inch close to each other and our eyes keep flickering back and forth, eventually our noses touch. Then our lips. His lips are soft and smooth, warm, loving, safe, unsure but so sure at the same time.

It ends up being a make out session but I don't complain. We pull apart and touch our foreheads together.  
He smiles with his beautiful white teeth and doesn't say anything, we pack up and silently go home. 

If someone makes you feel, let them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :))))))!!!!!!!!!!
> 
>  
> 
> Feedback is appreciated ❤️


	7. Let me down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to “let me down” by jorja smith for this chapter

Timmy's p.o.v

Later that night me, Armie, and Liz sit in the living room watching tv and talking while the kids are in bed, but tonight is particularly bad with my urges, I just want some fuckin cocaine man. Yea I said all that positive shit but idk man I just want some. Just a tiny bit, a tiny amount shouldn’t be awful I think everyone has taken a lil and been fine. Yea I think I’ll be fine, just gotta get outta here first. 

“Hey guys some friends just texted me to hang out since I’m in LA I’m gonna head out” I say getting up  
“Oh ok bye time” Armie says strangely  
“Bye Timothée” Liz follows 

I’m not going to hang out with friends. I’m going to get fuckin high because I can. I end up calling a Uber to get to downtown hollywood, I’m guaranteed to find someone there. I walk around and eventually start to get into the crazier part of the town. I see a guy standing on a corner with a Hoodie in leaning against it.  
“Hey” I say  
“What do you want kid” he says  
“You know where I can get some coke”  
“Shit you want the big stuff” he laughs  
“Yea” I say back  
“I can take ya to a guy follow me”  
We walk about a mile and he leads me into a shop and then into the back, there I see a couple of guys putting drugs together to distribute I’m guessing.  
“This kid wants some coke so I brought him to the best”  
“How much” I ask  
“For a small bag 100 and for a big bag 300”  
He looks intimidating and scares me almost  
“I’ll take the small” I say  
He tosses it to me and I hand him the money, I quickly walk out of the building and find a gas station, I walk into the bathroom and lock the stall  
“Fuckin finally” I whisper to myself  
I take some tissue paper and put in on the toilet paper holder which luckily has a flat top and put some coke on it, I try to shape it into a line as best as I can with my fingers and start to sniff it up. Fuuuuuuuck. That feeling man is good. My eyes go wide and I’m ready to hit the fuckin town. But wait if someone sees me my career is over, If Someone sees me I will be a total embarrassment. Shit I guess what happens happens.  
“Hey anyone in here were about the close” I hear the guy say  
“Yeah just give me a few minutes”  
“Come on kid you’ve been in here for 15 minutes it’s time to leave”  
I quickly shove everything into my pocket and leave the stall  
“Fuck you fucker” I say to him as I leave the store  
I have to lean against a wall for a minute, Everything is spinning around me. Are they coming for me. Maybe there coming for me. Maybe there already here shit. There gonna get me I gotta run. The voices won’t leave me alone. Should I call Armie? Hmmmm no. Should I call my parents? Nope. I’ll just got find somewhere for the night. Hopefully by the morning they won’t kill me. I start running down the street, I’m so lucky there’s barley anyone out cause it’s late. My body feels like it’s gonna explode with hotness, I feel on fire, nauseous, ughh this is the part I hate, I always end up puking, but it’s worth it for the good shit that is coaaaaineeee. I eventually find a park and fall downw on the grass heaving on it, there doing this to me, why do you guys keep going this to me, ya know what fuck you guys, you ain’t shit. That’s when it all come up, I puke and puke and cough for what seems like hours but in reality is a few minutes, im shaking so bad, is this how I’m gonna die, would I mind? That’s the question. I don’t really know I guess, its kind just whatever. I lay there and just shake. Maaaaybeeee I should give Armie a hello ahaha yea he would love that, my good buddy Armie, my pal my bro.  
“Hello” he says  
“A-Armie man I’m havvvin soooo much fun”  
“Yea where did you go Timmy” he says sternly  
“Ohh I don’t know man ya know out in Hollywood somewhere shit man I kinda wanna live here”  
“It’s 3 in the fucking morning Timotheé” he says sternly  
“Ok and dipshit you think I give a fuck I go out and stay out on my owwwwn terms”  
“Are you fucking high”  
“Noooo”  
“Yea I think the fuck you are”  
“You should come and try some it’s great just a teeeeny bit ahaha”  
“Where are you”  
“Some park in downtown LA”  
“I’m coming to find you” he says  
“Gooooooood fuckin luck”  
He hangs up and I just laugh hard, shit he’s funny. Like he actually would try to come find me, his bro, yea o fuckin k, he’s got a beautiful wife and kids at some and you think he’s gonna try to find some scrawny drug addict, hmmm ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to write this relapse/drug trip as realistic as possible, even with the way I worded things. I had been doing some more research last night and found that 40 to 60 percent of people who are getting help or are trying to get help go on to relapse at least once. Some people relapse multiple times before achieving full recovery. 
> 
> Do not worry, things will not always be like this and he really is trying his best. They way he is in this chapter is the drugs talking not him. Usually when someone is dealing with a withdrawal they are extremely irritable.  
>  
> 
> Are you guys liking the story so far, anything I could add or improve? I hope nothing so confusing you and you continue to read, thank you so fucking much for the support so far ❤️


	8. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to “stay with me” by Sam Smith for this chapter

Timmy’s p.o.v

It wasn’t until an hour later Armie showed up. I was still on the grass because I didn’t want to move, couldn’t. The coke pretty much wore off and I feel ashamed again. This is not the life I want to be living everyday but I can’t help it and I wish I could. I’m trying so hard but I give in sometimes and that sometimes could cost me my lifetime. 

I slowly stand up and face him.   
“How’d you find me” I ask   
“I had to search and walk around almost all fuckin downtown to find you this is ridiculous Timothèe”  
“I’m sorr-“   
“No I don’t think you are” Armie laughs sarcastically   
“You know what fuck you! You think I can just stop in an instant well i can’t! I wish i could! I wish I wasn’t trying to get high all the time, I wish I wouldn’t have ended up this way, I’m an embarrassment and I’m so ashamed Armie so ashamed, to have the title drug dealer is not fucking fun! I know the sorrys are starting to ware off but I don’t know what else to say, don’t give up on me please I cannot do this alone just pl-“   
Armie cuts me off with a kiss, it’s slow and passionate yet fast and rough, at this point we’re both breathing heavily and our lips disconnect  
“Timothèe chalamet I will never give up on you, ever do you hear me” he says   
I nod my head and the tears come again, he kisses them away.   
“You wanna head home T” he says softly   
“Yea”   
We walk quietly to his car and drive home. The lights are off in the house so I’m guessing Liz is sleeping. I try to shut the door as quietly as possibly and me and Armie head upstairs   
“You wanna bath or shower T” he says with so much care in his voice   
“Bath” I mutter tiredly   
“Come on”   
He walks me down the hall to a spare bathroom, a couple doors down from his room. The bathroom door closes quietly behind us, Armie let’s the bath run for a few minutes while holds me in his lap on the floor, after a few minutes he stops it.   
“Could you get in with me”   
I just needed closeness, human contact, nothing sexual.  
“Umm Yea are you sure” he asks   
I nod my head and we both undress, nothing we haven’t seen before cause of shooting call me by your name.   
He sits down in the tub first then I do, his chest to my back.   
“You want me to wash ya tim” he says quietly   
“Yes please”   
I get my hair washed first, then he grabs a wash cloth thats hanging on the tub and soaks it in the warm water before starting to gently rub it up and down my arms, back, chest, legs.   
His chest hair is itching my back but i don’t care, I quietly giggle to myself but Armie catches it.   
“What’s funny T” he smirks   
“Nothing”   
“Mhmmm” he says starting to tickle me   
“Fine ok your chest hair is just itching me a little bit”   
We both burst out laughing but not loud enough for the kids and Liz to hear.   
“Well sorry about that” he laughs   
“No worries” I shoot back   
We quietly just bask in each other’s arms with the warm water that’s hugging us. Eventually we get out and head to my room, the guest room.   
“You gonna be ok T” he asks   
“A-actually can you sleep with me” I ask shyly   
“Yea, I will, just gotta be head back to my room in a few hours before Liz wakes up” he says   
I try to not let sadness overwhelm me again, it’s just I get constantly fucking reminded of her and their marriage.   
“K”   
I turn off the lights and just let the city lights provide their natural cast of light. He slides into bed first then I do, he lays on his back and I crawl onto him, and attach myself to him like a koala, he rubs his fingers through my curls and I lay there and let him. 

The sun will rise and we will try again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was :( and :) 
> 
>  
> 
> Feedback is appreciated ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I thought I would try something new and to dig deeper within myself to write this, it’s going to be incredibly hard to write this but drug use needs a light to be shed on it so more people can be helped and people need to know the severity of it, do not worry I am not just winging this, I have done a good amount of research and am ready to write something like this, if I say or do anything wrong please call me out so I can learn, and if anyone out there is struggling just know you can always get better.
> 
>  
> 
> This is inspired by beautiful boy but Timothée is actually the one dealing with it. 
> 
> Please let me know your opinions below it would be greatly appreciated. :)


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